Working With Our Emotions – Fear

All of us and every creature, feels fear.  In my Before Cancer days, I used to fear, Fear itself. I used to dread, Dread.  To me fear was the worst of all possible emotions, worse than grief, worse than sorrow, worse than anger.  But as I’ve been learning in my After Cancer life, fear is actually a good friend, not a very soothing friend, not a friend I want tagging along with me all the time, but a friend who helps me to survive and be alert to danger.  

To survive, we need a certain amount of fear.  Imagine if we had no fear, we might act recklessly, we might not run from or avoid a dangerous person, we might walk in an unsafe unlit area at night. And without fear, we might not worry much whether we lived or died.  I believe that fear is not only a great protector, that we’ve inherited from our hunter/gatherer ancestors (fight or run from the predator), but also a motivator that spurs us on to take protective action.  I also think that our intuition gives us fear signals, to show us we need to be aware of or avoid a potentially harmful situation – remember that terrified voice screaming at me in my dream – “It’s killing you! It’s killing you!” (the cancer before I was diagnosed.)

The biggest challenge we face when being diagnosed with cancer or any life-threatening illness, is that the ‘flight’ option is taken away from us, because the illness is happening within our own body.  How can we run from our own body?  We might try to ‘run’ by ignoring the signs or ‘freezing’ by not wanting to do anything about our cancer.  Our fear becomes problematic when it totally overwhelms and paralyses us so we don’t act.  Taking action would mean, going to the doctor when we find blood or another symptom that we know is telling us something is wrong, going through treatment, taking an active part in our recovery.  Not taking action is ignoring the symptoms, ignoring our intuition when it’s trying to tell us to pay attention – in my case ignoring blood in my poo, minimizing my symptoms by telling myself it was just haemorrhoids, and it would “go away.”

When I was forced to face what was going on inside me, to go into ‘fight’ response, the little things that used to make me frightened, didn’t so much anymore. Since going through cancer, the intensity of my fear has softened considerably, even my fear about pain and dying – although of course I do still experience fear but now I know more how to work with it and not ‘run’ from the fear itself. When we find ourselves in extreme circumstances, I think we have the natural resources within us to ‘know what to do.’

Sometimes our thoughts can get out of control, and we can visualize all kinds of horrifying things that might happen, with little evidence that they will happen. This is known as Anticipatory Anxiety, when we might create, ‘What If This Happens?’, ‘What if This Doesn’t Happen?’ situations in our minds. 

I remember asking my radiologist towards the end of my radiotherapy sessions, “What if the tumour hasn’t reduced in size?”  She gently replied, “We can only live one day at a time, and we can only control what is in front of us.”  

Another time, I went for a follow up consultation and was waiting for the results of my latest CT and MRI scans.  The assistant surgeon left the room for about 20 minutes, while she was preparing my documents for surveillance (receiving scans for 5 years after surgery).  Being alone, in the room, I could see my mind was starting to spiral with thoughts of “What if something came up on my scans?”  “Why is she taking so long?”  “Is she preparing me for some difficult news?”   In the past, I would have been swept away by them, and let the fear consume my body, but this time I ‘stood back’ and ‘observed’ my thoughts.  She came back and told me both scans were clear.

When my thoughts start creating frightening ‘What if…’ scenarios, it helps me to bring my mind back to the present.  I advocate being kind to yourself for feeling your feelings and ‘embracing’ them!  Although the idea of ‘embracing’ our most uncomfortable feelings may seem counter-intuitive, if we learn to acknowledge and accept them, we give ourselves permission to allow them to transform into more inspirational feelings.  Our ‘uncomfortable’ emotions are not ‘negative’ in my view.  If I go out and look at the ocean, on some days, the sea will be calm and soothing and on other days, it will be wild and raging – they’re just different forms of expression.

I still get ‘scanxiety’ before MRI and CT scans. My feelings will include fear, dread, being irritable, restlessness, impatience and sadness.  But I remind myself, “I’ve come this far, and if my cancer returns, I know I will deal with it.”  I don’t need to be consumed with so much worry about the future, that I don’t live and enjoy my life in the present. 

It’s OK if we do get swept away by fearful thoughts – witnessing our thoughts takes practise, so don’t beat yourself up if you are feeling overwhelmed by fear!  We can use self-care tools to help us – we can talk to loved ones and friends.  And we can ask for professional help, seeing a therapist or counsellor. 

Here are some of the ways I use, to define the source of my fear and anxiety.  If we can work with and communicate with our fear, it makes it more manageable in my experience. It helps me, if I can ask my fear where it’s coming from and what it’s trying to tell me. 

1.  Where are you Fear in my body? 

My stomach, my heart, my head, my back, my shoulders?  Where do you feel the fear?  

2.  Are you my Fear or are you someone else’s Fear?  Are you a conditioned fear I’ve been taught to accept? 

Sometimes we can pick up on someone else’s fear, that’s not our own or unknowingly absorb conditioned fear – what we’ve been taught to be fearful of and even societal fear or group fear.  

I find it helpful to check in with myself, to see if the fear I’m feeling is coming from within me or from the outside.  If the fear is mine, then I can work with it.  If the fear is someone else’s, or from conditioning or from society, and this fear is holding me back, then I can let it go.  

3.  Are you Fear trying to alert me to danger – a dangerous person, situation, a physical and/or emotional threat?  

Is our fear genuinely trying to protect us right in this moment?  Although every situation is different, if our instinct is telling us something is seriously off, then we need to listen to our instincts, not doubt them.  It’s very easy in modern life, to overthink, busy ourselves and cast doubt on what our instincts are telling us or ‘rationalise’ them away or be afraid to listen to those instincts because we want to be polite and reasonable.  

4. Are you Fear triggered because of past trauma I might be re-experiencing?  

It’s very easy to be reminded of a past traumatic event or for certain memories to resurface when going through a present trauma like cancer.  When I’m triggered, I find it helpful to accept what I’m going through, to accept what happened in the past (it can’t be undone), to have compassion for myself with the way I dealt with those past situations, and to bring my mind and body into the present moment – see The Being Present Exercise below. 

I can talk to myself going through fear, as I would to a frightened child, by reminding myself that in this present moment I am loved and loveable; I am being looked after and that this present moment is different from what has happened in the past.  It helps me to remind myself, how far I’ve come in my life and how much I’ve grown, and to recognise that I have strength and inner wisdom and I am capable of going through this (with help and support).

5. Are you Fear coming up, because of my environment?  Living conditions? Financial worries? Lack of resources? Lack of support? Loneliness? Need for space?  

How can I make changes (and they don’t have to be big changes) that will make my environment and surroundings more nurturing and supportive for me?  If you need social, financial and welfare support, please ask your hospital team to point you in the right direction to their Welfare services.  Don’t suffer in silence!  

If you can, make some small changes to begin with – ask friends to help you with your shopping, cleaning, even little touches to our home like flowers or a nice ornament, or a tidy room, can make the world of difference!  I remember I felt so loved and supported when people offered to give me lifts to and from my chemo appointments or sent me books to read, while I was waiting for my radiotherapy sessions.  There are many online support groups, forums, and classes with other people going through similar situations.  Or, if you’re more introverted like me, you might find you need some space and time alone.  Having said that, I love human company as well – it’s finding the balance between alone time and people time without isolating myself!